


Silent Football

by bramblePatch



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, M/M, Silent Football, Silly camp games, This Is Incredibly Silly, This Is STUPID, why the hell did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-02
Updated: 2012-10-02
Packaged: 2017-11-15 11:54:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/527031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bramblePatch/pseuds/bramblePatch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This started out as a summary of the rules of a very silly game I used to play at summer camp. It gradually turned into a fic about Meenah using said game to force people to call her Queen Dictator, and Dirk abusing the rules like whoa.</p><p>This is incredibly silly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Silent Football

**A) The Players**

  * Silent Football is best played with approximately eight to fifteen players, although experienced players may enjoy larger groups.
  * The leader of the game, henceforth referred to as the Monarch, shall be called by whatever title they darn well please. The traditional form is Queen/King Dictator (Name); however, the reigning Monarch should feel free to take another title so long as it sounds sufficiently regal.
  * Other experienced or authoritative players (in a camp setting, usually other counselors) shall be called by personalized titles, which they may choose for themselves or allow the Monarch to assign for them. Traditional forms include Princess (Name), Baron (Name), Milkmaid (Name), and Poopsmith (Name); other titles may be chose or assigned as deemed appropriate by the Monarch.
  * The common player shall be called by the title of Lord or Lady (Name) as appropriate. The Monarch may choose to change a player's name or title at any time.



**B) The Court**

  * Court shall be held in any space with adequate space for all players and a minimum of outside interruptions.
  * Enough chairs or benches to comfortably seat all players shall be arranged in a circle, such that all players may see all other players.
  * The largest, most comfortable, or otherwise objectively best seat shall be occupied by the monarch.



**C) Gameplay**

  * The ball shall be imaginary.
  * The ball shall return to the Monarch at the beginning of each round.
  * Each round shall begin with the traditional chant  
"Customary tip of the hat," _(mime tipping a hat)_  
"Customary wooooo!" _(throw both hands in the air)_  
"Customary let's get on with the game." _(make "double pistols" gesture into the middle of the circle)_  
after which the Monarch shall place the ball in play.
  * Each round shall continue until a player reports an infraction of the rules to the Monarch.
  * It is each player's responsibility to keep track of the ball's location.
  * The ball shall be passed from player to player by means of one of three moves:
  * _Thwap_ : the thwap is performed by slapping the open palm against one's thigh. A thwap passes the ball around the circle. Direction is determined by leg is thwapped, distance is determined by how many times one thwaps. Thus, if a player thwaps twice on their right leg, the ball moves two people to the right of the player.  
\- _The Thrice Thwappage Rule_ : no player may thwap more than three times in a single play, nor may more than three consecutive players thwap.
  * _Shrodum_ : the shrodum is performed by rising from one's seat, going down on one knee, and pointing one's elbow at another player while making eye contact with that player. A shrodum passes the ball directly to the player targeted.
  * _Shrug_ : the shrug is performed by simply shrugging one's shoulders. A shrug returns the ball to the last player to possess it.
  * A shrug may be used to counter a thwap or another shrug, but a shrug may never be used to counter as shrodum, nor may a shrodum be used to counter a shrug.



**D) Court Etiquette**

  * No player may cross their arms, legs, or ankles at any time.
  * All players must sit up straight in their seat to the extent that they are able; no slouching is permitted.
  * No player may point at another player with their finger; to indicate another player, they must gesture with an open hand.
  * It is the duty of all players to report any infraction of the rules, by raising their hand and, when called upon by the Monarch, tattling on the player who has broken the rule.
  * All players shall be referred to by their official title at all times (see section A)
  * The Monarch shall inquire into all accusations with the gravity due the situation, and if they determine that a rule has in fact been broken, shall mete out punishment accordingly.
  * As a punishment, the monarch may order the offending player to perform some small embarrassing task, change their name or title for the duration of the game, or assign penance points or fractions thereof.
  * If a player amasses five whole penance points, they must perform a penance, usually in the form of a silly song and/or dance, in a more public location such as in the dining hall at dinner.
  * Royalty is always right.



**Sample Gameplay:**

The court consists of, starting at the Monarch and proceeding clockwise: Queen Dictator Meenah, Lord Karkat, Lady Rose, Lord Eridan, Dame Latula, Lord Dave, Prince Dirk, Lady Terezi, Lord Kankri, Lady Porrim, Lady Kanaya, and Lord Jake. Queen Dictator Meenah will lead the game, and has assigned Dame Latula and Prince Dirk as royalty because she trusts Latula's competence and Dirk once high-fived her in mid air from a rocket board.

 _Round One_ :

  * After a brief explanation of the rules, Queen Dictator Meenah begins play by thwapping twice to her left, passing the ball to Lady Rose. 
  * Lady Rose thwaps thrice to her left, passing the ball to Lord Dave.
  * Lord Dave shrugs the ball back to Lady Rose.
  * Lady Rose glares at Lord Dave, and again thwaps thrice to her left, sending the ball back to him.
  * Lord Dave thwaps once to his left, passing the ball to Prince Dirk.
  * Prince Dirk thwaps once to his right, passing the ball to Lord Dave.
  * Lord Dave thwaps twice to his left, passing the ball to Lady Terezi.



Lady Rose and Lord Karkat both raise their hands; Queen Dictator Meenah calls a halt to play and gives Lord Karkat permission to speak. "Queen Dictator Meenah, Lord Dave broke the thrice thwappage rule," Lord Karkat reports.

"He did!" Queen Dictator Meenah agrees. "He was the fourth person in a row to thwap. Lord Dave, what d'you have to say for yourself?"

"Well technically since I was one of the three people who thwapped before me, there were only three people who thwapped," Lord Dave says.

Lady Terezi raises her hand, and is given permission to speak.

"Queen Dictator Meenah, I do believe that Lord Dave is questioning your authority!" she crows.

Queen Dictator Meenah nods; Lord Dave is clearly in violation of the rule that states that Royalty is Always Right. "Lord Dave, I sentence you to bleat like a goat!"

Lord Dave shrugs, and nonchalantly bleats like a goat. Queen Dictator Meenah looks around the circle to see if anyone else has anything to say, when no one raises their hands, she leads the court in the customary chant and play begins again.

 _Round Two_ :

  * Queen Dictator Meenah shrodums the ball to Dame Latula.
  * Dame Latula thwaps thrice to her right, passing the ball to Lord Karkat.
  * Lord Karkat shrodums the ball to Lady Kanaya.
  * Lady Kanaya shrugs the ball back to Lord Karkat.



Lord Eridan, Lady Porrim, and Lord Dave all raise their hands. Queen Dictator Meenah calls on Lord Eridan, who reports, "Queen Dictator Meenah, I do believve Lady Kan has shrugged a shrodum."

Immediately, Lady Kanaya raises her own hand; with the Queen Dictator's permission, she says, "Queen Dictator Meenah, I think Lord Eridan has neglected to call me by my proper name."

As both Lady Kanaya and Lord Eridan have broken the rules, Queen Dictator Meenah commands them to hold hands and skip around the outside of the circle. With some grumbling, they comply.

Lady Porrim still has her hand up, so Queen Dictator Meenah calls on her.

"Queen Dictator Meenah, I'm afraid Lord Kankri has had his arms crossed for quite some time," she says.

A quick glance in Lord Kankri's direction finds him hastily uncrossing his arms. Queen Dictator Meenah raises one pierced eyebrow. "What do you have to say in your defense?"

"Sorry, it won't happen again."

"Won't happen again...?" Queen Dictator Meenah prompts.

"I'm not going to call you Queen Dictator, that's completely preposterous," Lord Kankri declares. "In fact, this entire game is offensive and degrading on so many levels, the mind reels."

"Lord Kankri, you are swimmin' in shark infested waters," Queen Dictator Meenah informs him. "As it is, you're now going to be known as Lord McNubs."

Lord McNubs stands up abruptly. "Ok, I am so done with this game. I don't know why I humored any of you with playing it in the first place," he snaps, heading for the door.

"Take five penance points, Lord McNubs!" Queen Dictator Meenah calls after him as he slams the door.

Lady Rose raises her hand, and Queen Dictator Meenah nods at her. "Queen Dictator Meenah, I would like to commend you on your expert handling of the situation."

"Half a penance point fer brown-nosin'," Queen Dictator Meenah growls at her. "Customary tip of the hat..."

 _Round Three_ :

  * Queen Dictator Meenah thwaps once to her left, passing the ball to Lord Karkat.
  * Lord Karkat thwaps thrice to his right, passing the ball to Lady Kanaya.
  * Lady Kanaya shrodums the ball to Dame Latula.
  * Dame Latula shrodums the ball to Lady Terezi.
  * Lady Terezi thwaps twice to her left, passing the ball to Lady Kanaya.
  * Lady Kanaya thwaps once to her left, passing the ball to Lord Jake.
  * Lord Jake shrodums the ball to Lady Terezi.
  * Lady Terezi does not respond.



Lord Jake immediately raises his hand, and is called on by Queen Dictator Meenah. "Your Queenly Dictatorness, Lady Terezi has completely failed to do anything with the ball I passed to her!"

"Lady Terezi, you wanna say anything?" Queen Dictator Meenah asks.

Lady Terezi lifts a hand helplessly. "I thought it was directed at Prince Dirk," she says, gesturing at the boy next to her.

Prince Dirk raises his hand, although he barely waits to be called on before saying, "In Lady Terezi's defense, it was really unclear. Maybe Lord Jake's overwhelming attraction to me is throwing off his aim."

"Now, listen here, Strider-!" Lord Jake exclaims, pointing at him from across the circle.

Prince Dirk's hand is in the air again. "Queen Dictator Meenah, Lord Jake has now spoken out of turn, pointed at me, neglected to use my title, and questioned royalty."

"I saw," Queen Dictator Meenah agrees. "Any suggestions on his punishment?"

"Maybe kissing me would help him get it out of his system," Prince Dirk suggests lightly.

Queen Dictator Meenah glances at Lord Jake. "I'll give ya a choice, Lord Jake," she tells him. "You can either kiss Prince Dirk or you can take a penance point."

Lord Jake considers, spending a moment in exaggerated thought, his chin in his hand. "I think I'll take the kiss, Queen Dictator Meenah," he finally says.

Lord Dave grimaces.

Cackling, Queen Dictator Meenah claps her hands. "Great! An' Lady Terezi, your punishment for missin' the pass is that you gotta shield Lord Dave's poor grub-like eyes from havin' to see his dancestor kissing some dude."

With a giggle, Lady Terezi gets up and moves over to Lord Dave, clamping her hands over his shades. Lord Jake gets up and walks across to the other side of the circle, where he proceeds to lay one full on Prince Dirk, maybe for a little longer than strictly necessary.

Queen Dictator Meenah eventually clears her throat. As Lord Jake scurries back to his seat, she's already leading into the chant of, "Customary tip of the hat, customary wooooo! Customary let's get on with the game."


End file.
